Hello my friends and faithful readers! I’m so thankful to you for sticking around this year, as my personal life has really been quite nutty. I know that I haven’t posted much heart content in the last several months, so I wanted to give you all an update now that I’m coming out from underneath the fog.
I’ve had a few guest posters, and reblogged some content available to me through various avenues, but the last time I posted any heart content was the end of April. So much has happened since right about then, but I’ll try to make it short.
- In March, I was diagnosed (finally) with fibromyalgia. He’d actually said it the previous June, but it officially went on my record (because the visit was officially in my name) in March. He helped set the ball rolling for me to get on medication provided by the manufacturer, as well as prescribed a sleep aid.
- In May, the fibro medication arrived and I began taking it.
- Two weeks later, on May 19, my grandma passed away. It was pretty unexpected; she’d had shoulder surgery and then fell and broke her other wrist, and then one complication after another led to a heart attack. My grandma was my hero and it’s been a hard road; I’ll make a heart post about that… at some point.
At this point, it’s important to me that anyone who cares to read this post realize how much of a big deal this is in my life. I’ve lived through some pretty crisis-level things in my life, but if I had to pick the worst year ever this year would definitely be in the running. I didn’t doubt my faith – I just… wanted to quit. Quit faith, quit life, quit trying. Just… quit. That’s not all about my grandma, but it was the straw on the proverbial camel’s back for me. Add this major event to how I was already feeling and to the new medications I’d started, and it’s been a long road out of the fog.
The fog, thankfully, really is starting to clear. It’s mostly clear.
I honestly don’t know what to say about the summer. I spent a lot of time – and I do mean a lot of time – sleeping. I spent a lot of time crying. I did spend some time back at Grandma’s house, helping my aunt go through things and clean up. Grandma was of the depression generation that saved every. sweet. little. thing. She had 50 years’ worth of schooling things that she’d saved “for me.” (How she knew when she started teaching in the 50’s that her oldest granddaughter would homeschool and might use ALL of her teaching things… I’ve no idea.)
Going through the things both at her house and what I brought home – it brings me joy, and then it brings sharp, stabbing, unrelenting pain. It just depends. I can’t explain the grief. I know it’s nothing like what some of you have experienced this year, even in the same time frame, but it’s the closest loss I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never grieved before, not really. I have, I guess. But nothing like this.
I haven’t always handled the grief well. I’ve made some bad choices. I haven’t felt like I was supported at home, where I felt like those around me should understand. I haven’t felt understood. I think that’s part of why recovery has been so hard for me. That, and the medications I was taking.
A few weeks ago, my mother realized how hard I was crashing. I’d hidden it fairly well, I suppose, to anyone not living in this house. I’d stopped going to church and the whole nine yards. My mother came over and… just sat with me. Just talked. Just let me yammer on about nothing at all. Just prayed with me. Just let me know it was okay to be where I was and.. she was praying for me. The fog began to lift.
Then my doctor changed my sleep aid. That has also helped. I think the medication I was on before was affecting my daytime functionality a lot more than I realized. The fibro medication is helping my pain, but with my odd schedule it’s difficult to take it consistently at exactly the same time every day, and it’s important that I do so. When I don’t, I have an “off” day or two where it’s like I’m re-adjusting to those meds. The adjustment was super difficult in the beginning, and it’s nothing like that, but it means no one gets anything done that day.
There have been good days. Hubby and I had an amazing anniversary trip, just the two of us. He planned it all by himself – such a blessing to me, as he’s never done that before! We’ve been married 16 years now. We also had a very fun family vacation; it happened to hit the same weekend as Hurricane Harvey, so that changed our plans. We’d planned to go to the beach, about a 4 hour drive from our home. Instead we went to a very affordable amusement park and rode rides and played mini golf in the rain. And I got to soak in the hot tub at the motel – I want one of those things for Christmas!!
So many more things contributed. What’s pulling me out is people are praying for me, and I’m finally able to do some of the things I know to do. For a while, I couldn’t praise… I couldn’t get in God’s Word… I couldn’t even ask for prayer… I couldn’t “confess” anything over myself or “claim” any promises. Nothing. I just couldn’t. Praise music on the radio when I got in the vehicle annoyed me. How demonic does that sound??? And I knew that, but it didn’t matter. Y’all – I’ve dealt with periodic depression most of my life, but nothing – NOTHING like this. Not ever.
But the fog is lifting. Hubby and I have had some good conversations, even as recently as last night. My momma is a godsend. I love her so much and don’t know where I’d be without her. Lord, bless her! And now, as I look to return to my grandma’s house this weekend, I feel like I can be a blessing. I can affect the atmosphere instead of allowing it to affect me. But if you’ve read this far and have a mind to, I would covet your prayers this weekend. And as often as you think of me.
On Sunday, when I return, I plan to start a 90 day Bible reading schedule. That gives me 4 grace days (or catch-up days, as the case may be) to finish reading before the end of the year. I’ve posted the schedule in my Facebook group and hope that some of you will join me in encouraging one another to endure and prepare for the coming year. I plan to read the New Testament slowly next year, as was my plan this past year, and I think this “quick read” will help with my mindset and preparedness as I seek to grow in my knowledge and relationship with the Lord. I need that so much. Do you?