I’m Not Immune

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I almost hesitate to post this, but in the midst of trial like this, when I’m most vulnerable, is likely the most likely time to let you – my readers – know that I’m not immune. As much as we (as bloggers, for starters) try to put our best face forward, that’s not real life. At least, it’s not always real life. The person behind this screen is a real person, y’all, with real struggles.

not immune

I’m not immune to wondering what on earth God is doing or thinking right now. Sometimes His plans just aren’t very clear, and it leaves me wondering if I’ve stepped out of sync with Him. I wonder if things are my fault; if I mis-stepped big enough to cause the whole plan to come crashing down around me. I wonder if He’s big enough to fix whatever I’ve done, and I wonder if in the meantime He’ll let me fall because of my own ignorance.

I’m not immune to feeling like my prayers are just bouncing off the ceiling. I wonder where God has gone, and why He isn’t listening to me. I try to think back and pinpoint a specific sin in my own life, wondering if I’m the one blocking the communication pathway with the only one who can save me. I frustrate myself with thoughts about how long God will let me stay in this darkness, this silence, with only my own thoughts for company.

I’m not immune to getting angry with God, and going to a place where I wonder if any of this is even worth it. I wonder about all this “for His name’s sake” stuff: Why doesn’t He reach down and do something for His own name’s sake? People are watching, and when God seems to be far away and without answer, it makes me angry. I wonder how people are being affected by my testimony in the midst of His silence.

But I’ve forgotten my tools.

I’ve forgotten to turn on the praise and let myself be taken in by it. His presence lives in our praises, and just having it on helps me get there. In His presence is the only place I need to be right now.

I’ve forgotten that it’s okay to tell my Father how frustrated, sad, disappointed, and confused I am. I know that He knows already, but I forget that He wants me to let Him in to that place in my heart and in my life.

I’ve forgotten to seek out and confess the promises in His Word that He’s already given me.

I forget that the Lord turns sorrow into joy and mourning into celebration. Esther 9:22

I forget that the Lord promised joy even to Job.

I forget that He promises that those who take refuge in Him will find joy. Psalm 5:11

I forget that joy is a sacrifice unto the Lord. Psalm 27:6

Even David cried out for restoration. Psalm 51:12

I forget that even when it’s hard to read all God’s promises because my mind and my circumstances fight those promises for all I’m worth, that God is faithful. He has sworn that He will never leave me nor forsake me. Jesus was forsaken on the cross so that I would never know that sorrow. It’s the enemy who keeps me where I am today, and like any captive I can wait to be rescued or I can fight and meet my Savior at the gate.

I’m not immune. I just thought you might want to know.

Linking up with:

A Divine Encounter

Comments

  1. says

    It’s so important to be authentic! I’m glad you are brave enough to share your story. I just posted a blog yesterday on “5 Tips on Finding the Best Counselor for You.” http://www.noordinarydays.com/2015/07/06/5-tips-on-finding-the-best-counselor-for-you/ I wrote it in response to some comments about a prior blog on “Top 10 Signs You Should Seek Counseling” http://www.noordinarydays.com/2015/05/25/top-10-signs-you-should-seek-counseling/ God is so faithful to give us what we need when we need it. Sometimes it’s tools like counseling and medication. Sometimes it’s changes in lifestyle and health. Sometimes it’s connection with friends and changing our thoughts and maybe it’s all of the above! Praying God gives you everything you need!
    Angela Howard recently posted…By: AbbyMy Profile

    • dalynnrmc says

      I love this, and you’re so right. We all come to this kind of place on a different route, and no one solution is going to work for everyone. I’ve learned what works for me, even if in the depths of it I tend to forget sometimes – until something like sitting down to write out this post reminds me. (Trust me, that last part wasn’t my intention when I sat down!) God is so good, and He is definitely our provider for not just physical needs but all things emotional, mental, spiritual, health-wise, and so much more. Thank you for taking the time to visit and comment today! Be blessed!

  2. says

    Yes indeed, none of us are immune, are we? You referenced many Psalms here, and it has occurred to me many times that David’s complete, unvarnished honesty before God is exactly what made him a “man after God’s own heart.” God doesn’t want my platitudes or my cliches. He wants my heart. Even – and maybe even especially – when it doesn’t look the way I think it should. And the really beautiful thing is that when I’m honest with Him about the way I’m feeling, He’s always so faithful to redirect my gaze to Him…which is where it always belongs anyway. Thank you for linking up with us at Grace & Truth!
    Jennifer recently posted…“Love the LORD Your God” ~ a 6-week studyMy Profile

    • dalynnrmc says

      I’m sure that you’re right. David wasn’t afraid to let the Lord see and understand exactly where he was and what he was feeling. There’s a scripture where the Lord tells them that though many call on His name, not all will enter His rest. He will tell them in that day, “I never knew you.” I heard teaching recently that this is revelatory of God’s character; He will not force any part of Himself on us, and CHOOSES not to know certain things about us, wanting instead for us to CHOOSE to reveal those parts of ourselves to Him. So, it’s not that we didn’t know Him, it’s that HE didn’t know US. Very convicting, interesting – and freeing! Thanks for taking the time to visit and comment! Have a blessed week!

  3. says

    Beautifully written. It can be so hard to be real, but what an encouragement to all of us! Great reminder to use the amazing tools and gifts that God has given us for these exact times of struggle.

    • dalynnrmc says

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, Julie. :) I appreciate you! I hope you’re right and that this post will serve as an encouragement to someone who really needs it, at just the right moment. God is good like that. Blessings!

  4. says

    Thank you for sharing this honest post with us. We all feel that way at times. One of the things mentioned in the sermon at church yesterday was about how the world needs to see us broken so that way they know we aren’t perfect people, just ordinary people who hurt, trying their best to serve God. So, thank you for showing that in your post.
    Brenda recently posted…Ultra Bright 2-in-1 LED Work Light Flashlight Review #flashlightMy Profile

    • dalynnrmc says

      Wow, I appreciate that so much today, Brenda. Thank you for taking the time to comment! Did you seek me out from IBN or did you just happen to find this today? Just wondering. Blessings!

    • dalynnrmc says

      Thanks, Christina. I hope it’s a blessing and pray that the Lord uses it to further His Kingdom.

  5. says

    DaLynn,

    Thank you for sharing where you are in life at the moment. We all have our seasons where we search and struggle. I find that most of us, like you mention, neglect to do what we know to do during those times. In no way am I suggesting you could fix it by “doing the right things”, please don’t hear that. Most of us muddle through these seasons looking back amazed that we survived : )

    I would like to recommend a couple of resources to you if you can find the strength to pursue them. First, on hearing God, I strongly recommend this series which you can find on my blog Facebook page for free: Hearing God’s Voice There are 10 one hour videos. I recommend one a week practicing what you learn in between. I own the book that goes along with the video. I can mail you a copy if you send me your address. There is also a PDF workbook (essential to the course as it gives the “homework”) here for $4.95.

    The second resource is a series of free teaching videos by Dan Mohler on YouTube. I do not agree with everything he teaches : ) However, he is very encouraging about our identity in Christ, like you have never heard it before. The video series is called Havest Chapel School of Kingdom Living 2011 The link is to day one. I recommend listening in small increments while taking notes and really taking in what he is saying. Remember, life is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t try to rush through either of these to get finished or get help. Slow and steady!

    Love you – take care.
    Machelle recently posted…Family – Who Are We?My Profile

    • dalynnrmc says

      Thanks Machelle! I’ll definitely look up these resources, though I think you mailed me the book already a couple of years ago. I’m sure I read a third or a half of it, but I’ll find it, restart, and finish this time. :) Promise!

      It’s something I deal with periodically, and then I recognize it and get mad enough at myself for letting it get this far before it gets better. There’s no diagnosis; I’m not sure it’s a physical problem. :) I appreciate your taking the time and writing a heartfelt reply! Love you!

      • says

        You are welcome DaLynn. I highly recommend you watch the videos then read corresponding chapter in the book. The book does have some things not in videos. The videos however are so down to earth (even though they are very 90’s : ) and practical. He is real and honest about how he went most of his Christian life, even as a pastor and didn’t hear God. I am one of those people he hated in his life, who when asked how you hear God or know it is God, would say, “you hear, you just don’t realize it is God” and “you just know” : ) because for the most part I never struggled with that. Just to clarify – I am not saying I always hear correctly or clearly, never miss what He is saying etc! But in general I always just knew. Let me know if you don’t have (or can’t find : ) the book.

        Find someone close to home to reach out to on a regular basis – or – I am here if you want to talk.
        Machelle recently posted…Family – Who Are We?My Profile

        • dalynnrmc says

          Thanks Machelle, I will. :) It’s not really something I struggle with usually either, just in seasons. Bah, there’s more, but not in a blog post comment reply. LOL I appreciate you! Be blessed! You ARE a blessing.