I almost hesitate to post this, but in the midst of trial like this, when I’m most vulnerable, is likely the most likely time to let you – my readers – know that I’m not immune. As much as we (as bloggers, for starters) try to put our best face forward, that’s not real life. At least, it’s not always real life. The person behind this screen is a real person, y’all, with real struggles.
I’m not immune to wondering what on earth God is doing or thinking right now. Sometimes His plans just aren’t very clear, and it leaves me wondering if I’ve stepped out of sync with Him. I wonder if things are my fault; if I mis-stepped big enough to cause the whole plan to come crashing down around me. I wonder if He’s big enough to fix whatever I’ve done, and I wonder if in the meantime He’ll let me fall because of my own ignorance.
I’m not immune to feeling like my prayers are just bouncing off the ceiling. I wonder where God has gone, and why He isn’t listening to me. I try to think back and pinpoint a specific sin in my own life, wondering if I’m the one blocking the communication pathway with the only one who can save me. I frustrate myself with thoughts about how long God will let me stay in this darkness, this silence, with only my own thoughts for company.
I’m not immune to getting angry with God, and going to a place where I wonder if any of this is even worth it. I wonder about all this “for His name’s sake” stuff: Why doesn’t He reach down and do something for His own name’s sake? People are watching, and when God seems to be far away and without answer, it makes me angry. I wonder how people are being affected by my testimony in the midst of His silence.
But I’ve forgotten my tools.
I’ve forgotten to turn on the praise and let myself be taken in by it. His presence lives in our praises, and just having it on helps me get there. In His presence is the only place I need to be right now.
I’ve forgotten that it’s okay to tell my Father how frustrated, sad, disappointed, and confused I am. I know that He knows already, but I forget that He wants me to let Him in to that place in my heart and in my life.
I’ve forgotten to seek out and confess the promises in His Word that He’s already given me.
I forget that the Lord turns sorrow into joy and mourning into celebration. Esther 9:22
I forget that the Lord promised joy even to Job.
I forget that He promises that those who take refuge in Him will find joy. Psalm 5:11
I forget that joy is a sacrifice unto the Lord. Psalm 27:6
Even David cried out for restoration. Psalm 51:12
I forget that even when it’s hard to read all God’s promises because my mind and my circumstances fight those promises for all I’m worth, that God is faithful. He has sworn that He will never leave me nor forsake me. Jesus was forsaken on the cross so that I would never know that sorrow. It’s the enemy who keeps me where I am today, and like any captive I can wait to be rescued or I can fight and meet my Savior at the gate.
I’m not immune. I just thought you might want to know.
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